1 00:00:07,217 --> 00:00:10,182 You always think you have more time of course 2 00:00:10,183 --> 00:00:12,789 with your loved ones than you do. 3 00:00:14,317 --> 00:00:18,882 One day we were out walking and she said to me, she said, 4 00:00:18,883 --> 00:00:22,449 “You know, it looks like I'm going to die." 5 00:00:22,450 --> 00:00:25,082 Emily had told us that if you get two people knocking 6 00:00:25,083 --> 00:00:27,349 at your door, one being an officer 7 00:00:27,350 --> 00:00:28,516 and the other one being a chaplain, 8 00:00:28,517 --> 00:00:29,482 then you know what happened. 9 00:00:29,483 --> 00:00:31,482 So when I opened the door that's who was standing there. 10 00:00:31,483 --> 00:00:33,982 So I was like, “Look, you got the wrong house." 11 00:00:33,983 --> 00:00:35,249 I closed the door. 12 00:00:35,250 --> 00:00:36,416 There must be an accident. 13 00:00:36,417 --> 00:00:38,582 There must be a mistake. Something. 14 00:00:38,583 --> 00:00:42,182 In my family you don't go fishing and die. 15 00:00:42,183 --> 00:00:45,116 I never expected to write an obituary 16 00:00:45,117 --> 00:00:46,949 for my mom before the age of 30. 17 00:00:46,950 --> 00:00:50,249 And so it was like my world just stopped. 18 00:00:50,250 --> 00:00:52,549 I'm thinking, “Oh, so this is what grief is." 19 00:00:52,550 --> 00:00:55,916 I got sick to my stomach, and I just started throwing up. 20 00:00:55,917 --> 00:00:58,716 Once they, you know, closed that casket lid, 21 00:00:58,717 --> 00:01:02,116 and I knew I wasn't going to see her anymore, I think that's 22 00:01:02,117 --> 00:01:03,582 when it finally hit me. 23 00:01:03,583 --> 00:01:06,582 I really felt I was responsible 24 00:01:06,583 --> 00:01:11,583 for putting my mother down into this deep, cold, damp ground. 25 00:01:13,883 --> 00:01:16,116 And she's going to be so cold. 26 00:01:16,117 --> 00:01:18,582 Even though I know this isn't all true. 27 00:01:18,583 --> 00:01:20,982 My mom and I have talked about the fact that we kind 28 00:01:20,983 --> 00:01:25,983 of wish we had had her funeral videotaped because we were there 29 00:01:26,283 --> 00:01:27,949 in person, but our, you know, 30 00:01:27,950 --> 00:01:29,916 our brains were just all over the place. 31 00:01:29,917 --> 00:01:33,316 I remember before we closed the casket I remember, you know, 32 00:01:33,317 --> 00:01:35,082 there being too many people around me. 33 00:01:35,083 --> 00:01:38,116 So I get upset now because like they didn't give me my time 34 00:01:38,117 --> 00:01:40,416 to say goodbye the way I wanted to. 35 00:01:40,417 --> 00:01:45,216 I was surprised at people's responses around me. 36 00:01:45,217 --> 00:01:47,782 They just assumed that I'd be fine, and so, you know, 37 00:01:47,783 --> 00:01:50,349 someone stayed with me for a couple days afterward. 38 00:01:50,350 --> 00:01:53,049 And then it was me and the house. 39 00:01:53,050 --> 00:01:58,050 I was able to get the funeral together, and then I was done. 40 00:01:58,217 --> 00:02:00,249 I stopped functioning. 41 00:02:00,250 --> 00:02:02,696 I stopped living at that point. 42 00:02:03,750 --> 00:02:06,282 Like these people, right now 43 00:02:06,283 --> 00:02:08,282 you are probably wondering how 44 00:02:08,283 --> 00:02:09,916 to get through your grief 45 00:02:09,917 --> 00:02:12,182 or even how to find enough energy 46 00:02:12,183 --> 00:02:15,282 to do the basic things you need to take care of. 47 00:02:15,283 --> 00:02:19,516 Hi, my name is David Guthrie, and this is my wife Nancy. 48 00:02:19,517 --> 00:02:24,016 Like you, we've faced the pain of losing someone we love. 49 00:02:24,017 --> 00:02:27,082 In fact, we've buried two of our three children. 50 00:02:27,083 --> 00:02:30,316 A daughter, Hope, and a son, Gabriel. 51 00:02:30,317 --> 00:02:32,716 As we faced our daughter's death, 52 00:02:32,717 --> 00:02:36,616 I wondered what grief would be like, how it would change me 53 00:02:36,617 --> 00:02:38,782 and my relationships, how long it would 54 00:02:38,783 --> 00:02:41,682 dominate my thoughts and emotions. 55 00:02:41,683 --> 00:02:44,316 The unknowns of grief generated a lot 56 00:02:44,317 --> 00:02:46,516 of fear and anxiety for me. 57 00:02:46,517 --> 00:02:50,449 We understand that you're probably experiencing the same thing. 58 00:02:50,450 --> 00:02:53,282 And we're glad you've come here for help. 59 00:02:53,283 --> 00:02:57,016 Over these next 13 weeks, GriefShare will introduce 60 00:02:57,017 --> 00:03:01,482 to you counselors, teachers, pastors, psychologists, 61 00:03:01,483 --> 00:03:05,182 and people just like you who have experienced grief. 62 00:03:05,183 --> 00:03:06,649 They will help you understand 63 00:03:06,650 --> 00:03:09,616 that what you're feeling is normal and provide you 64 00:03:09,617 --> 00:03:12,316 with insight and practical information 65 00:03:12,317 --> 00:03:14,882 that will guide you toward healing. 66 00:03:14,883 --> 00:03:16,816 We are here to walk with you 67 00:03:16,817 --> 00:03:18,649 and your fellow GriefShare group members 68 00:03:18,650 --> 00:03:20,782 through the grief process. 69 00:03:20,783 --> 00:03:24,182 And if nothing else, we hope to serve as a weekly reminder 70 00:03:24,183 --> 00:03:27,482 to you that with God's help it is possible 71 00:03:27,483 --> 00:03:30,816 to move beyond being consumed by your grief. 72 00:03:30,817 --> 00:03:34,849 That indeed you can make the journey from mourning to joy. 73 00:03:34,850 --> 00:03:37,057 Welcome to GriefShare. 74 00:03:37,317 --> 00:03:42,317 [ Music] 75 00:03:50,850 --> 00:03:52,616 Male Narrator: GriefShare is designed 76 00:03:52,617 --> 00:03:55,282 to help you make the difficult journey of grief. 77 00:03:55,283 --> 00:03:57,749 As you participate in the group, you'll discover 78 00:03:57,750 --> 00:04:00,649 that others have walked this journey ahead of you 79 00:04:00,650 --> 00:04:02,049 and that there is hope. 80 00:04:02,050 --> 00:04:06,749 Your hosts for the GriefShare videos are David and Nancy Guthrie. 81 00:04:06,750 --> 00:04:10,349 David and Nancy live with their son Matthew 82 00:04:10,350 --> 00:04:12,516 in Nashville, Tennessee. 83 00:04:12,517 --> 00:04:14,182 In addition to Matthew, 84 00:04:14,183 --> 00:04:18,149 the Guthrie's also had two other children, Hope and Gabriel. 85 00:04:18,150 --> 00:04:19,949 As they will share with you, 86 00:04:19,950 --> 00:04:23,482 Hope and Gabriel both died a few months after they were born. 87 00:04:23,483 --> 00:04:27,549 David and Nancy were transformed by their grief experience. 88 00:04:27,550 --> 00:04:31,216 And now they have a burden to help other grieving people. 89 00:04:31,217 --> 00:04:36,116 As a result, Nancy has written many books on the subject of grief 90 00:04:36,117 --> 00:04:40,549 including “Holding on to Hope," “The One-Year Book of Hope," 91 00:04:40,550 --> 00:04:43,016 “When Your Family's Lost a Loved One," 92 00:04:43,017 --> 00:04:46,716 and “Hearing Jesus Speak into Your Sorrow." 93 00:04:46,717 --> 00:04:49,616 Additionally, since 2009, 94 00:04:49,617 --> 00:04:52,782 David and Nancy have hosted weekend retreats for couples 95 00:04:52,783 --> 00:04:54,694 who have lost children. 96 00:04:55,217 --> 00:04:57,516 Your GriefShare experience consists 97 00:04:57,517 --> 00:04:59,516 of three essential components all designed to help you heal 98 00:04:59,517 --> 00:05:01,282 of three essential components all designed to help you heal 99 00:05:01,283 --> 00:05:03,716 from the pain of grief. 100 00:05:03,717 --> 00:05:06,249 Each of the 13 sessions will include a video 101 00:05:06,250 --> 00:05:08,149 like the one you're watching. 102 00:05:08,150 --> 00:05:11,749 You'll hear from top experts on grief issues, 103 00:05:11,750 --> 00:05:15,682 and you'll also hear from people who have lost loved ones. 104 00:05:15,683 --> 00:05:18,349 After viewing the video sessions, you'll enter 105 00:05:18,350 --> 00:05:19,816 into a small group discussion 106 00:05:19,817 --> 00:05:22,049 about the information you've seen. 107 00:05:22,050 --> 00:05:24,149 You'll also have the opportunity to share 108 00:05:24,150 --> 00:05:27,182 about the specific challenges you're facing. 109 00:05:27,183 --> 00:05:28,682 But please relax. 110 00:05:28,683 --> 00:05:31,882 You don't have to talk in this group if you don't want to. 111 00:05:31,883 --> 00:05:35,616 Simply hearing what others are going through can be encouraging. 112 00:05:35,617 --> 00:05:38,282 So plan to stay through the discussion. 113 00:05:38,283 --> 00:05:40,716 Your workbook is a crucial component 114 00:05:40,717 --> 00:05:42,716 to your GriefShare experience. 115 00:05:42,717 --> 00:05:44,816 You'll benefit the most from this course 116 00:05:44,817 --> 00:05:46,582 if you have your own copy. 117 00:05:46,583 --> 00:05:48,816 And be sure to bring it each week. 118 00:05:48,817 --> 00:05:52,016 The workbook outline corresponds to the video material. 119 00:05:52,017 --> 00:05:54,716 So you can take notes. 120 00:05:54,717 --> 00:05:59,049 Plus the workbook contains daily exercises with stories of others 121 00:05:59,050 --> 00:06:01,282 who have been through grief. 122 00:06:01,283 --> 00:06:03,649 If you have questions about how to get a workbook, 123 00:06:03,650 --> 00:06:07,249 speak to your group leader. 124 00:06:07,250 --> 00:06:10,916 Before we get underway, we'd like to give you a snapshot 125 00:06:10,917 --> 00:06:13,016 of what you will see on the video. 126 00:06:13,017 --> 00:06:15,549 This is the third edition of GriefShare, 127 00:06:15,550 --> 00:06:17,616 and much of the material is new. 128 00:06:17,617 --> 00:06:20,816 But we've also included some of the time-tested 129 00:06:20,817 --> 00:06:25,049 and most popular video clips from previous editions. 130 00:06:25,050 --> 00:06:28,862 We call these video clips GriefShare classic material. 131 00:06:29,017 --> 00:06:32,516 And while fashions and hairstyles might have changed, 132 00:06:32,517 --> 00:06:35,382 don't assume the material is not relevant. 133 00:06:35,383 --> 00:06:38,916 In fact, when you see a GriefShare classic clip, 134 00:06:38,917 --> 00:06:42,216 you should pay even more attention to what is being said 135 00:06:42,217 --> 00:06:46,216 because group members have told us it's the most helpful video 136 00:06:46,217 --> 00:06:48,549 from earlier editions of GriefShare. 137 00:06:48,550 --> 00:06:52,749 And with that, we are ready to begin. 138 00:06:52,750 --> 00:06:58,723 Here are your hosts, David and Nancy Guthrie. 139 00:06:59,083 --> 00:07:02,816 [ Street noise] 140 00:07:02,817 --> 00:07:05,182 Nancy: After the death of someone you love, 141 00:07:05,183 --> 00:07:08,016 one of the first things you notice is that most 142 00:07:08,017 --> 00:07:10,449 of the world is going on as if nothing has happened. 143 00:07:10,450 --> 00:07:14,816 It's like life in this busy town, people are going to work, 144 00:07:14,817 --> 00:07:18,116 going to school, they are shopping and playing 145 00:07:18,117 --> 00:07:20,216 like everything is normal. 146 00:07:20,217 --> 00:07:23,349 But for you, life is anything but normal. 147 00:07:23,350 --> 00:07:27,716 In today's session, we' ll help you understand why grief 148 00:07:27,717 --> 00:07:31,249 erases any sense of normalcy, how the pressure 149 00:07:31,250 --> 00:07:34,449 to appear normal can affect the way you grieve, 150 00:07:34,450 --> 00:07:37,682 and what normal grief looks like. 151 00:07:37,683 --> 00:07:40,216 We will also help you to understand what to do 152 00:07:40,217 --> 00:07:44,716 until you arrive at what we like to call a new normal. 153 00:07:44,717 --> 00:07:47,582 Wed like to begin by reassuring you 154 00:07:47,583 --> 00:07:50,082 that even though everyone around you may be living 155 00:07:50,083 --> 00:07:52,582 as if nothing has happened, it's OK. 156 00:07:52,583 --> 00:07:56,016 It's perfectly normal for your experience of grief 157 00:07:56,017 --> 00:07:59,549 to feel intense and chaotic. 158 00:07:59,550 --> 00:08:03,116 What I feel is beyond pain. 159 00:08:03,117 --> 00:08:04,749 It's beyond sadness. 160 00:08:04,750 --> 00:08:08,982 For me it was like a series of explosions 161 00:08:08,983 --> 00:08:10,649 that didn't make any sound. 162 00:08:10,650 --> 00:08:13,282 Many people think basically, “I'm going crazy." 163 00:08:13,283 --> 00:08:16,282 Grief is as close to hell as we have to get. 164 00:08:16,283 --> 00:08:20,249 I felt as if I were reeling in outer space, 165 00:08:20,250 --> 00:08:22,782 a million miles away from anybody. 166 00:08:22,783 --> 00:08:24,316 The Earth is different, you know, 167 00:08:24,317 --> 00:08:26,916 a person who was here is not here. 168 00:08:26,917 --> 00:08:28,282 You're like on a roller coaster ride. 169 00:08:28,283 --> 00:08:30,682 You're up and down, round and round, upside down. 170 00:08:30,683 --> 00:08:32,416 You wake up in the morning, and you think, 171 00:08:32,417 --> 00:08:37,382 “Oh, my. I thought I saw them standing at the foot of the bed," or, 172 00:08:37,383 --> 00:08:39,649 “I thought I heard the baby cry in the other room." 173 00:08:39,650 --> 00:08:43,349 Or, “Did you smell their perfume or their aftershave lotion?" 174 00:08:43,350 --> 00:08:45,216 Or you are at the mall, and you're walking along 175 00:08:45,217 --> 00:08:49,282 and you see somebody that was dressed the way your loved one 176 00:08:49,283 --> 00:08:52,082 used to dress, and their gait is the same or the hair color 177 00:08:52,083 --> 00:08:55,496 or their skin, and you think, “Look at them. That's them." 178 00:08:56,283 --> 00:09:00,216 I mean, I thought I was going crazy. 179 00:09:00,217 --> 00:09:02,549 Let me assure you, you're not going crazy. 180 00:09:02,550 --> 00:09:05,882 I mean grief makes you do strange things. 181 00:09:05,883 --> 00:09:09,282 I remember being in the garage looking for an old set of tools, 182 00:09:09,283 --> 00:09:10,282 and the telephone rang. 183 00:09:10,283 --> 00:09:11,716 So you know what I did? 184 00:09:11,717 --> 00:09:16,716 I said, “Martha, will you get that? 185 00:09:16,717 --> 00:09:19,516 Martha, will you get that?" 186 00:09:19,517 --> 00:09:20,916 I mean, I don't know what I was thinking. 187 00:09:20,917 --> 00:09:23,382 It's been six months. 188 00:09:23,383 --> 00:09:27,016 You think I'd realize she's gone. 189 00:09:27,017 --> 00:09:28,216 I don't know. 190 00:09:28,217 --> 00:09:30,916 I'll bet some of you have done that too. 191 00:09:30,917 --> 00:09:35,917 [ Music] 192 00:09:43,817 --> 00:09:46,016 Dr. DeVries: Somebody who is grieving really has to 193 00:09:46,017 --> 00:09:49,016 acknowledge or recognize the fact that grief 194 00:09:49,017 --> 00:09:52,882 affects our entire person, our entire being. 195 00:09:52,883 --> 00:09:57,883 [ Music] 196 00:09:59,017 --> 00:10:00,282 [ Music] 197 00:10:00,283 --> 00:10:04,316 And people who are grieving do some very strange things. 198 00:10:04,317 --> 00:10:06,416 Gail: For instance, in my employment, 199 00:10:06,417 --> 00:10:09,882 there were many times when I would work on a project, 200 00:10:09,883 --> 00:10:11,982 and I thought I was done, and everything was good, 201 00:10:11,983 --> 00:10:15,549 and it would get returned to me with lots 202 00:10:15,550 --> 00:10:17,949 of mistakes, really dumb mistakes. 203 00:10:17,950 --> 00:10:19,816 Things that I should have known better. 204 00:10:19,817 --> 00:10:21,716 I remember being in a hospital when she died. 205 00:10:21,717 --> 00:10:23,682 And I remember her memorial service. 206 00:10:23,683 --> 00:10:25,616 And I pretty much don't remember anything after 207 00:10:25,617 --> 00:10:26,882 that for a couple of months. 208 00:10:26,883 --> 00:10:29,182 I got to a restaurant, and I couldn't decide what to eat. 209 00:10:29,183 --> 00:10:30,582 I couldn't decide what to wear. 210 00:10:30,583 --> 00:10:33,116 Normally, I had been a very organized person. 211 00:10:33,117 --> 00:10:35,916 I ran a house of seven people. 212 00:10:35,917 --> 00:10:39,416 Five kids going here, there, everywhere. 213 00:10:39,417 --> 00:10:42,616 You know, I knew where everyone and everything was, 214 00:10:42,617 --> 00:10:44,349 and that wasn't the case anymore. 215 00:10:44,350 --> 00:10:48,349 I was surprised by my inability to concentrate. 216 00:10:48,350 --> 00:10:51,749 This is why we tell people be careful when you're 217 00:10:51,750 --> 00:10:53,516 driving because this is a time of your life when 218 00:10:53,517 --> 00:10:56,449 you're most likely to get a ticket or have an accident. 219 00:10:56,450 --> 00:10:58,349 And I'll say, “Have you ever been driving, 220 00:10:58,350 --> 00:11:00,282 and you don't remember the last 10 blocks?" 221 00:11:00,283 --> 00:11:01,449 And they say, “Oh my goodness. 222 00:11:01,450 --> 00:11:03,749 Yes. It's like I woke up down here, 223 00:11:03,750 --> 00:11:06,116 and I wondered what happened in last 10 blocks." 224 00:11:06,117 --> 00:11:07,716 And that's happened to me as well. 225 00:11:07,717 --> 00:11:10,616 About a month after my husband died, I was 226 00:11:10,617 --> 00:11:14,516 picking up my son in the car pool line and sitting 227 00:11:14,517 --> 00:11:16,949 there, driving up, waiting to get to, you know, 228 00:11:16,950 --> 00:11:18,449 to the spot where the kids get in the car. 229 00:11:18,450 --> 00:11:21,482 I got up to the front of the line, I waited there 230 00:11:21,483 --> 00:11:24,116 for a moment and I drove away. 231 00:11:24,117 --> 00:11:27,249 And it wasn't until I was near the exit that I realized 232 00:11:27,250 --> 00:11:29,682 that my son wasn't in the car. 233 00:11:29,683 --> 00:11:33,716 I just really didn't have the focus I needed 234 00:11:33,717 --> 00:11:35,116 to do my job well. 235 00:11:35,117 --> 00:11:37,349 I eventually lost that job actually. 236 00:11:37,350 --> 00:11:39,649 I remember one young man that talked to me after a shooting 237 00:11:39,650 --> 00:11:40,716 in a high school, he said, 238 00:11:40,717 --> 00:11:43,082 “I knew all this material before the shooting. 239 00:11:43,083 --> 00:11:46,182 Now I go back, and it's like I've never seen it before. 240 00:11:46,183 --> 00:11:47,249 What happened to my brain? 241 00:11:47,250 --> 00:11:49,816 It's like it just wiped it out." 242 00:11:49,817 --> 00:11:51,782 And this is what grief does to us. 243 00:11:51,783 --> 00:11:53,449 The first couple of months it was 244 00:11:53,450 --> 00:11:55,216 like I was thinking through jell-O. 245 00:11:55,217 --> 00:11:57,316 I had to like push a thought 246 00:11:57,317 --> 00:11:59,849 through my head to its conclusion. 247 00:11:59,850 --> 00:12:03,282 Nothing came naturally or easily or smoothly. 248 00:12:03,283 --> 00:12:06,782 Even though you may feel like you can't go on, 249 00:12:06,783 --> 00:12:10,316 it's common to feel pressure, real or imagined, 250 00:12:10,317 --> 00:12:12,449 to act like you're not hurting. 251 00:12:12,450 --> 00:12:14,582 Nancy: You might even be trying to hide 252 00:12:14,583 --> 00:12:17,016 your pain to keep from bothering others. 253 00:12:17,017 --> 00:12:20,549 You might be thinking that by now I should be 254 00:12:20,550 --> 00:12:24,116 better or that if you were more mature spiritually 255 00:12:24,117 --> 00:12:25,882 you wouldn't grieve like this. 256 00:12:25,883 --> 00:12:27,716 There was sort of this underlying implication 257 00:12:27,717 --> 00:12:30,182 that if you really love God you're not going to cry. 258 00:12:30,183 --> 00:12:32,516 I hid behind Bible verses a lot. 259 00:12:32,517 --> 00:12:34,182 We put on a courageous face. 260 00:12:34,183 --> 00:12:35,216 People thought I was fine. 261 00:12:35,217 --> 00:12:36,916 I always told them I was fine. 262 00:12:36,917 --> 00:12:41,782 I had a sense that I am a Christian, I have the joy 263 00:12:41,783 --> 00:12:44,082 of the Lord, and wham, now I'm hit 264 00:12:44,083 --> 00:12:46,782 with something that rocks my world. 265 00:12:46,783 --> 00:12:50,716 Are people going to see my struggle and think, 266 00:12:50,717 --> 00:12:52,649 “Well that faith isn't really real?" 267 00:12:52,650 --> 00:12:55,016 So many people told me, “Be strong." 268 00:12:55,017 --> 00:12:58,482 Then some people they esteem you, “Wow, 269 00:12:58,483 --> 00:13:00,949 and the fact that you did your mother's eulogy, 270 00:13:00,950 --> 00:13:04,216 your father's eulogy, it's just amazing 271 00:13:04,217 --> 00:13:06,049 that you were able to do that." 272 00:13:06,050 --> 00:13:07,782 “I can't believe you're so strong." 273 00:13:07,783 --> 00:13:09,682 Or, “You need to be strong for your girls." 274 00:13:09,683 --> 00:13:14,016 So I hid a lot of bitterness and a lot 275 00:13:14,017 --> 00:13:18,682 of lousy attitude by that spirituality. 276 00:13:18,683 --> 00:13:22,016 Now, some of you aren't comforted by the fact 277 00:13:22,017 --> 00:13:25,816 that it is normal for grief to be a painful experience. 278 00:13:25,817 --> 00:13:29,849 You may say, “Even if it is normal, it isn't helping me." 279 00:13:29,850 --> 00:13:32,382 In fact, you don't care that it's normal. 280 00:13:32,383 --> 00:13:34,582 You just want it to stop. 281 00:13:34,583 --> 00:13:37,382 That's why it's important for you to understand why 282 00:13:37,383 --> 00:13:40,216 grief is such a totally consuming experience. 283 00:13:40,217 --> 00:13:43,116 As you listen to what follows, you'll discover 284 00:13:43,117 --> 00:13:46,316 that there are actually good and honorable reasons 285 00:13:46,317 --> 00:13:50,116 why you hurt so deeply and for so long. 286 00:13:50,117 --> 00:13:53,249 Grief is the celebration of a good gift 287 00:13:53,250 --> 00:13:55,482 from God through tears. 288 00:13:55,483 --> 00:13:59,116 Because if there were no love, there'd be no grief. 289 00:13:59,117 --> 00:14:02,382 For example, if a couple has had a marvelous 290 00:14:02,383 --> 00:14:05,982 marriage for 40 years or 50 years or 60 years, 291 00:14:05,983 --> 00:14:08,882 and now that spouse has passed away, 292 00:14:08,883 --> 00:14:11,016 of course it is going to be hard for them. 293 00:14:11,017 --> 00:14:13,816 We should all expect that individual is going 294 00:14:13,817 --> 00:14:15,749 to be struggling right now. 295 00:14:15,750 --> 00:14:17,882 But that struggle actually is evidence 296 00:14:17,883 --> 00:14:19,549 of the beauty of their marriage. 297 00:14:19,550 --> 00:14:21,716 We are not going to be able to hug them, 298 00:14:21,717 --> 00:14:24,949 touch them, experience life together. 299 00:14:24,950 --> 00:14:27,682 So I think that's what hurts the most. 300 00:14:27,683 --> 00:14:29,516 I mean, we had plans to break 301 00:14:29,517 --> 00:14:32,616 out of the nursing home together. 302 00:14:32,617 --> 00:14:35,549 Grief is actually, it's a good thing. 303 00:14:35,550 --> 00:14:37,082 It's a sign of love. 304 00:14:37,083 --> 00:14:39,949 It's a sign that God brought a blessing 305 00:14:39,950 --> 00:14:42,282 into my life that was precious. 306 00:14:42,283 --> 00:14:43,916 And I want to cherish it. 307 00:14:43,917 --> 00:14:46,149 And one of the ones that I celebrate the goodness 308 00:14:46,150 --> 00:14:49,682 of that gift is through the sadness that I feel. 309 00:14:49,683 --> 00:14:53,716 Grief is the price you pay for loving someone. 310 00:14:53,717 --> 00:14:56,882 So the only way to avoid grief is never to love. 311 00:14:56,883 --> 00:14:59,016 Nancy: Jesus also experienced grief. 312 00:14:59,017 --> 00:15:00,649 Nancy: Jesus also experienced grief. 313 00:15:00,650 --> 00:15:05,116 So know that when you are sad, Jesus felt that way too. 314 00:15:05,117 --> 00:15:06,849 Dr. Tripp: One of the great things we have 315 00:15:06,850 --> 00:15:11,850 in Scripture is we do have an example of one perfect person 316 00:15:12,283 --> 00:15:16,016 who lived on Earth, never made a mistake, 317 00:15:16,017 --> 00:15:18,916 never had a failure, and never sinned. 318 00:15:18,917 --> 00:15:22,282 And you can look to that person for an example. 319 00:15:22,283 --> 00:15:27,283 And Christ wept before the tomb of a dear friend. 320 00:15:30,350 --> 00:15:32,549 That should give us some indication 321 00:15:32,550 --> 00:15:36,760 that weeping is not only not wrong, it's very appropriate. 322 00:15:38,483 --> 00:15:41,282 David: By now you should understand that it's appropriate 323 00:15:41,283 --> 00:15:43,682 for your grief experience to be painful. 324 00:15:43,683 --> 00:15:45,649 So give yourself permission 325 00:15:45,650 --> 00:15:47,782 to honestly express your feelings. 326 00:15:47,783 --> 00:15:51,282 Zig: Sometimes people will say, “Well, now you got to be brave. 327 00:15:51,283 --> 00:15:52,649 You got to be strong." 328 00:15:52,650 --> 00:15:56,316 Listen, when you're grieving that's not the time to 329 00:15:56,317 --> 00:15:58,982 be brave. That's not the time to be strong. 330 00:15:58,983 --> 00:16:00,816 And you don't need to tell somebody else that, 331 00:16:00,817 --> 00:16:02,649 you need to be human. 332 00:16:02,650 --> 00:16:06,116 You know, the fact that the Bible says that we are not 333 00:16:06,117 --> 00:16:08,216 to grieve as those that have no hope. 334 00:16:08,217 --> 00:16:10,182 Some people stop and put the period 335 00:16:10,183 --> 00:16:11,349 after we're not to grieve. 336 00:16:11,350 --> 00:16:16,350 And there comes a pretended piety, a supposition 337 00:16:16,850 --> 00:16:21,582 that creates a false kind of human response 338 00:16:21,583 --> 00:16:22,949 that God doesn't expect. 339 00:16:22,950 --> 00:16:24,749 Faith is not denial. 340 00:16:24,750 --> 00:16:26,849 God never calls us to ignore our pain. 341 00:16:26,850 --> 00:16:30,716 I've learned in order to be strong you have to be weak. 342 00:16:30,717 --> 00:16:32,582 There's nothing wrong to cry. 343 00:16:32,583 --> 00:16:37,583 That don't mean that you are weak. 344 00:16:39,017 --> 00:16:40,849 Men don't cry. 345 00:16:40,850 --> 00:16:41,649 Well, I'm sorry. 346 00:16:41,650 --> 00:16:43,082 I cry. 347 00:16:43,083 --> 00:16:48,083 Learning how to just live day to day with the ups and downs of emotion 348 00:16:49,117 --> 00:16:54,117 with the joys and the sorrows became more important 349 00:16:55,050 --> 00:17:00,050 to me than trying to be this strong, joyful Christian. 350 00:17:00,683 --> 00:17:03,882 Nancy: Once you give yourself permission to grieve, 351 00:17:03,883 --> 00:17:07,582 expect to feel less ashamed for grieving so intensely. 352 00:17:07,583 --> 00:17:10,949 And as you are more honest with yourself and others 353 00:17:10,950 --> 00:17:14,482 about your grief, you'll find yourself more open to help 354 00:17:14,483 --> 00:17:17,149 from God, friends, and family. 355 00:17:17,150 --> 00:17:22,016 God meets us where we are not where we pretend to be and not 356 00:17:22,017 --> 00:17:23,182 where we wish we were. 357 00:17:23,183 --> 00:17:24,982 Dr. Viars: God doesn't expect us 358 00:17:24,983 --> 00:17:28,349 to put a plastic smile on a broken heart. 359 00:17:28,350 --> 00:17:30,849 God values authenticity. 360 00:17:30,850 --> 00:17:34,049 He values when we choose to be real with Him. 361 00:17:34,050 --> 00:17:37,616 And so I think it's marvelous as we're grieving for us to cry 362 00:17:37,617 --> 00:17:40,949 out to Him just like David did in Psalm 61. 363 00:17:40,950 --> 00:17:42,816 “Hear my cry, O God; 364 00:17:42,817 --> 00:17:44,682 attend unto my prayer 365 00:17:44,683 --> 00:17:47,016 when my heart is overwhelmed: 366 00:17:47,017 --> 00:17:49,949 lead me to the rock that is higher than I." 367 00:17:49,950 --> 00:17:54,049 I can't get to understanding God as my rock unless I'm willing 368 00:17:54,050 --> 00:17:56,382 to acknowledge that my heart is broken. 369 00:17:56,383 --> 00:17:59,816 Unless I'm willing to acknowledge that I am feeling overwhelmed. 370 00:17:59,817 --> 00:18:03,749 If you're hurting, you know, let people know you're hurting 371 00:18:03,750 --> 00:18:05,116 and not to say I'm just fine. 372 00:18:05,117 --> 00:18:07,916 Cause if you say you're fine people won't come around. 373 00:18:07,917 --> 00:18:11,249 When a person opens up and shares, 374 00:18:11,250 --> 00:18:15,649 then the person will receive compassion and love 375 00:18:15,650 --> 00:18:18,282 and comfort from others. 376 00:18:18,283 --> 00:18:20,549 But if I'm not sharing, 377 00:18:20,550 --> 00:18:22,582 then other people don't know I'm hurting. 378 00:18:22,583 --> 00:18:26,749 Blessed are they who mourn, for they shall be comforted. 379 00:18:26,750 --> 00:18:30,716 But if you don't take time to mourn you are not going 380 00:18:30,717 --> 00:18:31,916 to be able to be comforted. 381 00:18:31,917 --> 00:18:33,616 Now, we realize that for some 382 00:18:33,617 --> 00:18:35,949 of you it would feel completely abnormal 383 00:18:35,950 --> 00:18:38,616 to express your grief visibly by crying 384 00:18:38,617 --> 00:18:41,016 or through other outward emotions. 385 00:18:41,017 --> 00:18:43,849 That's because everyone grieves differently. 386 00:18:43,850 --> 00:18:46,882 Perhaps you feel like you don't have time to grieve 387 00:18:46,883 --> 00:18:49,082 because of new responsibilities resulting 388 00:18:49,083 --> 00:18:50,849 from your loved one's death. 389 00:18:50,850 --> 00:18:52,182 In upcoming sessions, 390 00:18:52,183 --> 00:18:55,882 we'll address the different ways people grieve and how to grieve 391 00:18:55,883 --> 00:18:58,216 when it seems you don't have time for it. 392 00:18:58,217 --> 00:19:01,716 Nancy: But for now it's important for you to remember that trying 393 00:19:01,717 --> 00:19:05,749 to suppress your grief will not help you get better faster 394 00:19:05,750 --> 00:19:07,849 but will more likely hinder your healing. 395 00:19:07,850 --> 00:19:12,850 Dr. Moitinho: Suppressing the emotions in the long-term is not going 396 00:19:12,983 --> 00:19:14,616 to be healthy for you. 397 00:19:14,617 --> 00:19:18,049 When you don't express them it's like you've put them 398 00:19:18,050 --> 00:19:23,050 into a container, and that container has a certain capacity. 399 00:19:23,750 --> 00:19:27,249 And if you keep putting the feelings in there, 400 00:19:27,250 --> 00:19:30,916 pretty soon it's filled up, and then it begins to overflow. 401 00:19:30,917 --> 00:19:34,116 And it's like what I have said so many times 402 00:19:34,117 --> 00:19:38,016 that when you repress your emotions or your feelings 403 00:19:38,017 --> 00:19:40,816 and bury them, you've buried them alive. 404 00:19:40,817 --> 00:19:43,716 And some day there is going to be a resurrection, 405 00:19:43,717 --> 00:19:46,116 but you won't be in charge of them, and they will come 406 00:19:46,117 --> 00:19:49,349 out at maybe the most inappropriate times. 407 00:19:49,350 --> 00:19:52,649 For example, if you're grieving the loss of someone, 408 00:19:52,650 --> 00:19:54,549 and you're trying to suppress all the feelings, 409 00:19:54,550 --> 00:19:57,082 you don't want to talk about it, you're blocking it. 410 00:19:57,083 --> 00:19:58,516 But you're going and overworking yourself. 411 00:19:58,517 --> 00:19:59,816 But you're going and overworking yourself. 412 00:19:59,817 --> 00:20:01,282 You're hiding behind your work. 413 00:20:01,283 --> 00:20:05,482 Suddenly, you're irritable at your coworkers. 414 00:20:05,483 --> 00:20:09,882 Or you're not as tolerant with your customers any more. 415 00:20:09,883 --> 00:20:13,216 Or you have trouble getting out of bed. 416 00:20:13,217 --> 00:20:17,582 Or you're just constantly fussing and complaining 417 00:20:17,583 --> 00:20:19,182 and whining or something. 418 00:20:19,183 --> 00:20:23,882 You're not connecting that these reactions are associated 419 00:20:23,883 --> 00:20:26,116 with your blocking off the feelings. 420 00:20:26,117 --> 00:20:29,849 But it's a result of it because you're suppressing emotions. 421 00:20:29,850 --> 00:20:33,616 So as you release those emotions you'll become more relaxed, 422 00:20:33,617 --> 00:20:35,949 and then you're less irritable. 423 00:20:35,950 --> 00:20:37,649 You're less intolerant. 424 00:20:37,650 --> 00:20:41,382 So far in this session, we've identified that many people 425 00:20:41,383 --> 00:20:43,982 around you will return to their busy lives 426 00:20:43,983 --> 00:20:46,449 while you are still hurting deeply. 427 00:20:46,450 --> 00:20:50,382 We've discovered why grief makes life anything but normal 428 00:20:50,383 --> 00:20:52,816 and why it's natural to grieve. 429 00:20:52,817 --> 00:20:55,749 As we continue in this session, we'll review some 430 00:20:55,750 --> 00:20:59,516 of the characteristics of a typical grief experience. 431 00:20:59,517 --> 00:21:03,349 Unfortunately we don't have time to cover ever possible response 432 00:21:03,350 --> 00:21:04,882 to the death of a loved one, 433 00:21:04,883 --> 00:21:08,249 but we' ll address some common manifestations of grief. 434 00:21:08,250 --> 00:21:11,549 You'll learn many others in our upcoming sessions. 435 00:21:11,550 --> 00:21:13,549 If you're worried about how you're coping 436 00:21:13,550 --> 00:21:16,716 with grief right now, please check out the list 437 00:21:16,717 --> 00:21:19,416 in your workbook called "Common Responses 438 00:21:19,417 --> 00:21:21,282 To The Death Of A Loved One." 439 00:21:21,283 --> 00:21:24,216 You'll find it right after this week's note-taking section. 440 00:21:24,217 --> 00:21:27,282 If you don't see what you're looking for there, 441 00:21:27,283 --> 00:21:30,882 don't hesitate to talk with your group leader or a pastor 442 00:21:30,883 --> 00:21:32,916 from the church hosting your group. 443 00:21:32,917 --> 00:21:37,195 They'll be able to help you assess how you're responding to your loss. 444 00:21:38,183 --> 00:21:43,183 [ Music] 445 00:21:50,550 --> 00:21:54,382 Many people mistakenly assume that it's normal to move 446 00:21:54,383 --> 00:21:56,916 through distinct stages of grief. 447 00:21:56,917 --> 00:21:57,882 But many who have been 448 00:21:57,883 --> 00:22:00,716 through the grief experience will tell you there's no way 449 00:22:00,717 --> 00:22:03,082 that grief is orderly or predictable. 450 00:22:03,083 --> 00:22:06,349 In fact, it often feels like you're experiencing multiple 451 00:22:06,350 --> 00:22:07,682 emotions at one time. 452 00:22:07,683 --> 00:22:10,249 David: Some have even described grief 453 00:22:10,250 --> 00:22:12,716 as a tangled ball of emotions. 454 00:22:12,717 --> 00:22:14,749 Anne: Some emotions were good. 455 00:22:14,750 --> 00:22:17,616 Joy and happiness and peace. 456 00:22:17,617 --> 00:22:19,016 Those things I did feel. 457 00:22:19,017 --> 00:22:23,816 And then at the same time I was angry. 458 00:22:23,817 --> 00:22:26,849 You may feel guilty in one moment and then feel relieved. 459 00:22:26,850 --> 00:22:28,482 You're serving your family and you're taking care 460 00:22:28,483 --> 00:22:31,382 of your mom and it's something that you want to do, 461 00:22:31,383 --> 00:22:33,082 but yet you're frustrated about it. 462 00:22:33,083 --> 00:22:36,682 It's like you try to figure out why, you know, why am I angry? 463 00:22:36,683 --> 00:22:41,682 The pain was resonating back and forth. 464 00:22:41,683 --> 00:22:43,182 And I couldn't find a way out. 465 00:22:43,183 --> 00:22:44,749 You know just all of these emotions, 466 00:22:44,750 --> 00:22:46,182 this tangled ball almost. 467 00:22:46,183 --> 00:22:48,016 “Is this normal?" 468 00:22:48,017 --> 00:22:49,216 “Am I going crazy?" 469 00:22:49,217 --> 00:22:51,182 Sabrina: And so I think sometimes it confuses people 470 00:22:51,183 --> 00:22:53,949 because they feel like they're not handling it well 471 00:22:53,950 --> 00:22:56,716 when really those are normal emotions and normal experiences 472 00:22:56,717 --> 00:22:58,094 that people go through. 473 00:22:59,050 --> 00:23:03,082 Male Narrator: It's normal for grief to be overwhelming, 474 00:23:03,083 --> 00:23:06,416 but it's never normal to consider suicide. 475 00:23:06,417 --> 00:23:10,449 If your pain is so intense that you're thinking 476 00:23:10,450 --> 00:23:12,482 about ending your life, 477 00:23:12,483 --> 00:23:16,582 Dr. Howsepian has some important advice for you. 478 00:23:16,583 --> 00:23:20,082 The most dangerous way to proceed 479 00:23:20,083 --> 00:23:24,449 if you're having suicidal thoughts is not telling anyone 480 00:23:24,450 --> 00:23:26,416 that you're having such thoughts. 481 00:23:26,417 --> 00:23:31,182 So talking to someone about having these thoughts, 482 00:23:31,183 --> 00:23:32,549 talking to a loved one, someone 483 00:23:32,550 --> 00:23:35,816 that you trust is an important first step 484 00:23:35,817 --> 00:23:37,249 in getting the help that you need. 485 00:23:37,250 --> 00:23:41,449 One other thing to say about suicide is also 486 00:23:41,450 --> 00:23:45,216 to remind oneself that those are transient as well. 487 00:23:45,217 --> 00:23:49,716 Suicidal thoughts come and they go, and it's important 488 00:23:49,717 --> 00:23:52,049 for someone who is struggling with those thoughts 489 00:23:52,050 --> 00:23:57,050 to remind himself that those thoughts will eventually dissipate. 490 00:23:57,317 --> 00:23:59,849 Before we move on to the next point, 491 00:23:59,850 --> 00:24:03,216 we should clarify one thing about suicide. 492 00:24:03,217 --> 00:24:07,316 Be sure to distinguish between being suicidal and feeling 493 00:24:07,317 --> 00:24:09,149 like you just don't want to go on. 494 00:24:09,150 --> 00:24:13,282 It's normal to feel like you don't want to go on, 495 00:24:13,283 --> 00:24:15,982 but if you are having suicidal thoughts 496 00:24:15,983 --> 00:24:20,749 or are making concrete plans to end your life, it is an emergency. 497 00:24:20,750 --> 00:24:22,982 And you need immediate help. 498 00:24:22,983 --> 00:24:27,016 And I often would lay in bed and bawl at night saying, 499 00:24:27,017 --> 00:24:29,916 you know, “God, I'm stuck here with all this mess. 500 00:24:29,917 --> 00:24:33,782 I am supposed to put my life together again and out 501 00:24:33,783 --> 00:24:36,116 of nothing now because it feels like nothing 502 00:24:36,117 --> 00:24:37,782 and make something of it? 503 00:24:37,783 --> 00:24:38,782 I'd just as soon die. 504 00:24:38,783 --> 00:24:41,816 You know, if it's OK with you just have me die in my sleep 505 00:24:41,817 --> 00:24:42,982 or have me die sometime. 506 00:24:42,983 --> 00:24:44,116 But it's fine with me. 507 00:24:44,117 --> 00:24:45,449 I'm ready to die." 508 00:24:45,450 --> 00:24:49,516 Some people might think, “Oh, was she suicidal?" 509 00:24:49,517 --> 00:24:53,649 And I'd say no there's a big difference between not caring 510 00:24:53,650 --> 00:24:58,516 if you die, I really didn't feel like it would be a problem 511 00:24:58,517 --> 00:25:00,149 if you die, I really didn't feel like it would be a problem 512 00:25:00,150 --> 00:25:03,283 if I would die, but I wasn't actively going 513 00:25:03,284 --> 00:25:05,649 to do anything to cause my death. 514 00:25:05,650 --> 00:25:07,782 And that's the distinct difference 515 00:25:07,783 --> 00:25:11,916 between being suicidal where I really am intent 516 00:25:11,917 --> 00:25:15,316 on not being here, on ending my life, 517 00:25:15,317 --> 00:25:16,949 and I'm going to have a plan. 518 00:25:16,950 --> 00:25:18,782 That's irrational. 519 00:25:18,783 --> 00:25:20,149 That's unhealthy. 520 00:25:20,150 --> 00:25:21,949 That's unscriptural. 521 00:25:21,950 --> 00:25:23,182 That's not OK. 522 00:25:23,183 --> 00:25:25,882 And you need to get help immediately. 523 00:25:25,883 --> 00:25:30,316 You need to contact either the ER or a suicide prevention line 524 00:25:30,317 --> 00:25:34,316 or your pastor or somebody who you know will be good 525 00:25:34,317 --> 00:25:37,355 at taking action to get you some help. 526 00:25:38,983 --> 00:25:46,983 [ Music] 527 00:25:50,183 --> 00:25:53,382 You may feel hopeless and wonder, 528 00:25:53,383 --> 00:25:55,582 “How could things get better?" 529 00:25:55,583 --> 00:25:58,582 Your spouse, child, mother, father, 530 00:25:58,583 --> 00:26:01,316 or friend isn't coming back. 531 00:26:01,317 --> 00:26:04,482 You'll never celebrate another holiday with them. 532 00:26:04,483 --> 00:26:06,516 Many around you seem to have returned 533 00:26:06,517 --> 00:26:09,182 to their normal, busy existence. 534 00:26:09,183 --> 00:26:11,249 But even though life will never return 535 00:26:11,250 --> 00:26:14,849 to the way it was before, you don't have to feel the weight 536 00:26:14,850 --> 00:26:17,949 of pain you feel now forever. 537 00:26:17,950 --> 00:26:22,849 Carol: My husband died in the late fall, 538 00:26:22,850 --> 00:26:27,849 but in the early days of my widowhood I really didn't think I would make it to spring. 539 00:26:27,850 --> 00:26:30,216 I was surprised that I made it another day, 540 00:26:30,217 --> 00:26:31,949 and then I made it through a week, 541 00:26:31,950 --> 00:26:33,682 and then we made it through a month. 542 00:26:33,683 --> 00:26:36,182 There will be little ounces of joy that will come 543 00:26:36,183 --> 00:26:38,782 into your life, and you'll laugh or you'll smile, 544 00:26:38,783 --> 00:26:40,916 and you won't realize it until after you've done it. 545 00:26:40,917 --> 00:26:42,649 And you'll think, “Oh, you know what? 546 00:26:42,650 --> 00:26:44,116 I just smiled. 547 00:26:44,117 --> 00:26:45,383 I just laughed." 548 00:26:45,384 --> 00:26:48,016 And so I was really surprised when spring came 549 00:26:48,017 --> 00:26:49,449 that I was still alive. 550 00:26:49,450 --> 00:26:53,116 Even five years down the road, it's better every day. 551 00:26:53,117 --> 00:26:55,083 And there's a time to mourn the Bible says, 552 00:26:55,084 --> 00:26:58,283 and so it's appropriate that you should mourn. 553 00:26:58,284 --> 00:26:59,883 It will hurt. 554 00:26:59,884 --> 00:27:01,149 You'll experience pain. 555 00:27:01,150 --> 00:27:04,316 And it will hurt for a long time. 556 00:27:04,317 --> 00:27:06,049 It won't hurt forever, and it won't hurt 557 00:27:06,050 --> 00:27:08,882 with the same intensity that you feel now. 558 00:27:08,883 --> 00:27:09,716 I don't know how. 559 00:27:09,717 --> 00:27:12,016 I don't know when. 560 00:27:12,017 --> 00:27:13,997 But I know I'm going to get through it. 561 00:27:15,583 --> 00:27:20,149 If you noticed, we've described grief as a painful journey. 562 00:27:20,150 --> 00:27:23,149 In other words, you're going to hurt for a while. 563 00:27:23,150 --> 00:27:25,549 And, again, it's normal. 564 00:27:25,550 --> 00:27:29,549 But what do you do until you no longer hurt as much, 565 00:27:29,550 --> 00:27:31,482 as long, or as frequently? 566 00:27:31,483 --> 00:27:33,949 Nancy: Here are a few suggestions. 567 00:27:33,950 --> 00:27:37,916 The first is lean into your grief. 568 00:27:37,917 --> 00:27:40,982 Sandy: I called a girlfriend of mine who had lost a little boy 569 00:27:40,983 --> 00:27:43,249 three years before to leukemia. 570 00:27:43,250 --> 00:27:46,516 His name was Dawson, and he was five. 571 00:27:46,517 --> 00:27:49,449 And I asked her, “Karen,” I said, “How do you do this?" 572 00:27:49,450 --> 00:27:50,716 And she said, you know, she said, 573 00:27:50,717 --> 00:27:53,616 “I am going to tell you something that sounds maybe kind 574 00:27:53,617 --> 00:27:56,349 of cold," after she had cried with me and prayed with me 575 00:27:56,350 --> 00:27:58,682 and just listened, she said, 576 00:27:58,683 --> 00:28:01,649 “The best thing I can tell you is to lean into it." 577 00:28:01,650 --> 00:28:04,416 And she said, “just take it like waves of an ocean. 578 00:28:04,417 --> 00:28:05,749 Don't try to run from it. 579 00:28:05,750 --> 00:28:07,083 Don't try to numb it. 580 00:28:07,084 --> 00:28:09,482 Don't try to pretend it isn't so. 581 00:28:09,483 --> 00:28:11,616 It's part of your life. 582 00:28:11,617 --> 00:28:13,849 So feel everything. 583 00:28:13,850 --> 00:28:14,949 Smell everything. 584 00:28:14,950 --> 00:28:19,082 Be in all the moments because later they'll be something 585 00:28:19,083 --> 00:28:21,749 that you treasure even though that seems strange now." 586 00:28:21,750 --> 00:28:26,116 Leaning into your grief may mean that you occasionally cry 587 00:28:26,117 --> 00:28:27,916 in front of other people. 588 00:28:27,917 --> 00:28:31,383 That may be the last thing in the world you want to do. 589 00:28:31,384 --> 00:28:34,516 But we encourage you not to be so afraid of it. 590 00:28:34,517 --> 00:28:39,283 That first semester I began teaching three weeks after he passed away. 591 00:28:39,284 --> 00:28:41,982 Because I would be up at the board writing, 592 00:28:41,983 --> 00:28:43,549 and all of a sudden tears would just 593 00:28:43,550 --> 00:28:45,583 start streaming down my face. 594 00:28:45,584 --> 00:28:50,584 I'm walking into piano lessons with my children sobbing 595 00:28:52,917 --> 00:28:57,917 and just being able to learn how to let go of trying 596 00:28:59,417 --> 00:29:01,483 to have it all together, 597 00:29:01,484 --> 00:29:05,849 let go of not letting people see me grieving. 598 00:29:05,850 --> 00:29:10,850 Let go of my kids not seeing me so sad, 599 00:29:13,750 --> 00:29:18,082 and just in a crazy way embracing this. 600 00:29:18,083 --> 00:29:20,182 To embrace it you don't have to like it. 601 00:29:20,183 --> 00:29:21,549 That's not what that means. 602 00:29:21,550 --> 00:29:24,749 But it just means, let it take you where it will. 603 00:29:24,750 --> 00:29:26,449 It's a very emotional time. 604 00:29:26,450 --> 00:29:28,716 And so emotions take time. 605 00:29:28,717 --> 00:29:33,249 Somebody has to sit and wait for you to finish crying. 606 00:29:33,250 --> 00:29:34,449 Somebody has to wait for you 607 00:29:34,450 --> 00:29:37,549 to get your words together, you know? 608 00:29:37,550 --> 00:29:42,550 And there is no way around it. 609 00:29:44,850 --> 00:29:46,549 I guess there is a way around it. 610 00:29:46,550 --> 00:29:50,116 But it's just not a healthy way to hold it inside. 611 00:29:50,117 --> 00:29:53,616 But if it's uncomfortable for you and so you're afraid 612 00:29:53,617 --> 00:29:56,782 that you're going to cry and make yourself 613 00:29:56,783 --> 00:29:58,016 and somebody else uncomfortable, 614 00:29:58,017 --> 00:29:58,282 and somebody else uncomfortable, 615 00:29:58,283 --> 00:30:01,416 I'd encourage you to tell yourself over and over 616 00:30:01,417 --> 00:30:04,749 that we wouldn't grieve if we didn't love. 617 00:30:04,750 --> 00:30:07,549 Nancy: Here's something else you should do while you wait 618 00:30:07,550 --> 00:30:10,016 for your emotions to stabilize. 619 00:30:10,017 --> 00:30:12,716 Avoid making big decisions. 620 00:30:12,717 --> 00:30:17,016 We all know that a small problem can be hugely distracting. 621 00:30:17,017 --> 00:30:19,682 You'll, you know, you're getting ready to go to work 622 00:30:19,683 --> 00:30:21,416 and you notice the envelope on the table, and you open it up, 623 00:30:21,417 --> 00:30:23,716 and it's a bill that you weren't expecting. 624 00:30:23,717 --> 00:30:25,849 Well, that can distract you during the day at work. 625 00:30:25,850 --> 00:30:30,850 So how hugely mentally disruptive is grief? 626 00:30:31,450 --> 00:30:34,416 And what I would say to people is that in this moment 627 00:30:34,417 --> 00:30:38,916 when things are so powerfully emotional 628 00:30:38,917 --> 00:30:43,917 and so clearly disrupted, don't make any big decisions. 629 00:30:43,950 --> 00:30:47,949 And by major I mean like selling the house, 630 00:30:47,950 --> 00:30:52,950 changing jobs, doing things that deciding to date 631 00:30:53,850 --> 00:30:55,449 and marry somebody else. 632 00:30:55,450 --> 00:30:58,749 People do some really crazy things in the grief process 633 00:30:58,750 --> 00:31:01,916 because they think that they're always going 634 00:31:01,917 --> 00:31:03,349 to feel the way that they do. 635 00:31:03,350 --> 00:31:05,249 Somebody will say, 'Well, you know, I just can't live 636 00:31:05,250 --> 00:31:07,649 in this house anymore. I am just going to sell it." 637 00:31:07,650 --> 00:31:09,516 Well, after you've sold it you realize you were there 638 00:31:09,517 --> 00:31:12,482 for 30 years, and you have so many memories that are there, 639 00:31:12,483 --> 00:31:14,549 and you've taken away the opportunity 640 00:31:14,550 --> 00:31:17,783 to process those memories with your loved one who has died 641 00:31:17,784 --> 00:31:20,182 because you're no longer in that home. 642 00:31:20,183 --> 00:31:24,616 And so you need to take time to talk with other people 643 00:31:24,617 --> 00:31:28,516 about this, to pray about it, and to just look at the pros 644 00:31:28,517 --> 00:31:32,216 and the cons of any major decision for a while. 645 00:31:32,217 --> 00:31:34,416 Sometimes people in the midst of their grief, 646 00:31:34,417 --> 00:31:38,816 especially if they've lost a spouse, weeks and months go 647 00:31:38,817 --> 00:31:41,349 by and they're lonely. 648 00:31:41,350 --> 00:31:44,482 And in their loneliness they can try to form a new relationship 649 00:31:44,483 --> 00:31:48,549 in order to replace the one who is gone. 650 00:31:48,550 --> 00:31:50,882 And that can just be a disaster. 651 00:31:50,883 --> 00:31:54,483 Sometimes you can't avoid making big decisions. 652 00:31:54,484 --> 00:31:58,349 Perhaps you have to sell your house or you face foreclosure. 653 00:31:58,350 --> 00:32:00,482 Maybe you have to move away from where you've lived 654 00:32:00,483 --> 00:32:03,716 for a long time to live with family or into a new place 655 00:32:03,717 --> 00:32:05,716 where you can receive proper medical care. 656 00:32:05,717 --> 00:32:08,916 So, what do you do in those situations? 657 00:32:08,917 --> 00:32:13,917 There are a lot of times when death demands decision, 658 00:32:16,150 --> 00:32:18,216 and it cannot be postponed. 659 00:32:18,217 --> 00:32:21,116 I think the most important thing for you, 660 00:32:21,117 --> 00:32:26,117 if that's your situation, is to really pray about the person 661 00:32:28,750 --> 00:32:32,116 who is able to give you really competent advice, 662 00:32:32,117 --> 00:32:36,316 a person who is a strong and committed Christian, 663 00:32:36,317 --> 00:32:39,283 but also knowledgeable in the area. 664 00:32:39,284 --> 00:32:42,782 I mean try to find at least one person in your life 665 00:32:42,783 --> 00:32:44,682 that you know cares about you 666 00:32:44,683 --> 00:32:49,683 and that would help you make rational decisions about things 667 00:32:49,817 --> 00:32:52,682 that affect you now or things 668 00:32:52,683 --> 00:32:54,116 that may affect you in the future. 669 00:32:54,117 --> 00:32:57,149 Lorraine: Like, for example, if it's a real estate decision, 670 00:32:57,150 --> 00:33:00,249 someone who could really help you in that area 671 00:33:00,250 --> 00:33:05,083 if it's a business decision someone who knows that business 672 00:33:05,084 --> 00:33:06,949 because you probably feel like your mind is mush, 673 00:33:06,950 --> 00:33:11,649 and like you just can't think clearly to make any decisions. 674 00:33:11,650 --> 00:33:16,650 Ask God to put the right people in your path who can help you. 675 00:33:16,950 --> 00:33:21,049 Sometimes the pain of grief is so intense that it's hard 676 00:33:21,050 --> 00:33:24,749 to envision getting through the next few days or even hours. 677 00:33:24,750 --> 00:33:29,750 Nancy: Some of the best advice we've heard is just do the next thing. 678 00:33:30,217 --> 00:33:35,217 Karen: just take the next right step. 679 00:33:35,817 --> 00:33:36,649 And those words stuck. 680 00:33:36,650 --> 00:33:40,949 Just do the next right thing. 681 00:33:40,950 --> 00:33:42,316 And I'm still doing that. 682 00:33:42,317 --> 00:33:44,783 You have to do what's before you. 683 00:33:44,784 --> 00:33:46,182 You have to do the next thing. 684 00:33:46,183 --> 00:33:49,883 And that's OK if that's all you get done is the next thing. 685 00:33:49,884 --> 00:33:52,549 When you listen to people who have been 686 00:33:52,550 --> 00:33:56,283 through bereavement already. 687 00:33:56,284 --> 00:34:00,249 They will oftentimes say a few similar things. 688 00:34:00,250 --> 00:34:03,182 One thing they'll say is, “Do the next thing." 689 00:34:03,183 --> 00:34:07,782 It sounds like fairly shallow counsel granted, 690 00:34:07,783 --> 00:34:12,783 but what they're trying to say is grief and suffering can feel 691 00:34:13,217 --> 00:34:16,849 like such a weight that it can immobilize you. 692 00:34:16,850 --> 00:34:19,049 And it can feel like once you're 693 00:34:19,050 --> 00:34:21,216 immobilized you will never start again. 694 00:34:21,217 --> 00:34:26,217 So often times they will say things, OK, “Do the next thing." 695 00:34:26,717 --> 00:34:28,083 What is the next thing? 696 00:34:28,084 --> 00:34:30,116 And it can be very, very ordinary. 697 00:34:30,117 --> 00:34:32,216 It can be getting a glass of water. 698 00:34:32,217 --> 00:34:33,416 It could be brushing your teeth. 699 00:34:33,417 --> 00:34:35,049 It could be taking a shower. 700 00:34:35,050 --> 00:34:36,882 It could be making a phone call. 701 00:34:36,883 --> 00:34:38,849 It could be vacuuming. 702 00:34:38,850 --> 00:34:40,116 It could be going to work. 703 00:34:40,117 --> 00:34:45,117 Our last suggestion is this, commit to your GriefShare group. 704 00:34:45,983 --> 00:34:49,049 I know that sounds self-serving but we believe 705 00:34:49,050 --> 00:34:52,482 that GriefShare can help you understand what lies ahead 706 00:34:52,483 --> 00:34:55,249 and give you invaluable insights on how to deal 707 00:34:55,250 --> 00:34:57,083 with the challenges you'll face. 708 00:34:57,084 --> 00:34:57,516 Knowing what's ahead won't lessen your pain, 709 00:34:57,517 --> 00:34:59,916 Knowing what's ahead won't lessen your pain, 710 00:34:59,917 --> 00:35:02,449 but it will keep you from feeling like you're going crazy 711 00:35:02,450 --> 00:35:05,616 and reduce the chances that you'll make an unwise decision 712 00:35:05,617 --> 00:35:07,049 that adds more complexity 713 00:35:07,050 --> 00:35:09,716 to your already difficult circumstances. 714 00:35:09,717 --> 00:35:12,649 David: Listen to what others who are familiar with GriefShare have 715 00:35:12,650 --> 00:35:14,949 to say about how you'll benefit 716 00:35:14,950 --> 00:35:16,849 by committing to this group. 717 00:35:16,850 --> 00:35:19,216 It took my wife a lot to convince me 718 00:35:19,217 --> 00:35:22,583 to attend a GriefShare meeting like I don't want 719 00:35:22,584 --> 00:35:23,916 to go hear people talk about their loss. 720 00:35:23,917 --> 00:35:25,449 I'm already hurting already. 721 00:35:25,450 --> 00:35:27,949 Why do I want to possibly sit around and listen 722 00:35:27,950 --> 00:35:31,883 to other people cry and say how much they lost someone? 723 00:35:31,884 --> 00:35:35,549 But through her prodding I went the first day, and I'm like yes, 724 00:35:35,550 --> 00:35:36,883 this is what I need to do. 725 00:35:36,884 --> 00:35:41,816 I needed to be in a situation where I could talk freely 726 00:35:41,817 --> 00:35:46,817 about my feelings and my grief and not feel 727 00:35:47,884 --> 00:35:52,884 like that I was causing other people to be uncomfortable. 728 00:35:53,584 --> 00:35:56,783 I don't know of any other way of finding healing that is not 729 00:35:56,784 --> 00:36:01,449 in the context of finding others who can help you. 730 00:36:01,450 --> 00:36:04,149 You need some time of solitude. 731 00:36:04,150 --> 00:36:08,449 But I don't know if people truly healing from trauma or grief 732 00:36:08,450 --> 00:36:11,616 that can do it on their own with some books, 733 00:36:11,617 --> 00:36:14,183 with some audio, with some videos. 734 00:36:14,184 --> 00:36:17,849 When I heard other people speak about what they were going 735 00:36:17,850 --> 00:36:21,349 through and the things that happened to them, it helped me 736 00:36:21,350 --> 00:36:23,349 to see myself in their stories. 737 00:36:23,350 --> 00:36:26,416 It helped me to know that, “Hey, it's OK to grieve. 738 00:36:26,417 --> 00:36:28,649 Grief is natural, it's normal." 739 00:36:28,650 --> 00:36:31,049 It was wonderful to know that you're not crazy, 740 00:36:31,050 --> 00:36:33,483 that you're not alone, that there's others that are 741 00:36:33,484 --> 00:36:35,516 out there for you, you know, and with you. 742 00:36:35,517 --> 00:36:40,517 It shows so much courage the fact that you're sitting here. 743 00:36:41,017 --> 00:36:45,683 And I can't tell you that this is going to be an easy process, 744 00:36:45,684 --> 00:36:49,849 but I think it's a worthwhile process. 745 00:36:49,850 --> 00:36:53,483 And the more you are able to open up your heart 746 00:36:53,484 --> 00:36:56,182 to your own emotions, and the more that you are able 747 00:36:56,183 --> 00:37:00,616 to connect with others as they share their emotion, 748 00:37:00,617 --> 00:37:03,749 the more you'll be able to heal. 749 00:37:03,750 --> 00:37:08,750 As you open your heart to what you are going through, 750 00:37:09,017 --> 00:37:13,583 whatever it is, you will start feeling less fear 751 00:37:13,584 --> 00:37:15,382 as you go through the process. 752 00:37:15,383 --> 00:37:20,383 So I know it is very hard to take that first step, 753 00:37:20,750 --> 00:37:24,027 but most of the time it gets easier from here. 754 00:37:43,417 --> 00:37:46,916 Male Narrator: Committing to a GriefShare group is one 755 00:37:46,917 --> 00:37:50,149 of the best things you can do to help yourself heal 756 00:37:50,150 --> 00:37:51,949 from the pain of grief. 757 00:37:51,950 --> 00:37:54,616 Each week you'll see a video like this one. 758 00:37:54,617 --> 00:37:58,616 Then you'll form a small group and discuss what you've learned. 759 00:37:58,617 --> 00:38:00,183 Remember, if you don't want 760 00:38:00,184 --> 00:38:03,149 to share during the discussion you don't have to. 761 00:38:03,150 --> 00:38:06,716 Just listening will help you realize you're not the only one 762 00:38:06,717 --> 00:38:09,916 dealing with intense feelings of sorrow and loneliness. 763 00:38:09,917 --> 00:38:11,816 If you're not sure you want 764 00:38:11,817 --> 00:38:15,249 to attend all thirteen GriefShare sessions, 765 00:38:15,250 --> 00:38:19,283 make a personal commitment to come to the next three sessions, 766 00:38:19,284 --> 00:38:23,289 then you'll know better whether GriefShare will help you. 767 00:38:24,317 --> 00:38:29,082 Gail: I can't emphasize enough how important that workbook is. 768 00:38:29,083 --> 00:38:30,849 The videos in GriefShare are great. 769 00:38:30,850 --> 00:38:33,349 Discussion time is great. 770 00:38:33,350 --> 00:38:36,283 But our individual time with the Lord 771 00:38:36,284 --> 00:38:40,816 through our grief is maybe more important than the other two. 772 00:38:40,817 --> 00:38:45,216 And the workbook really helps us to think about specific things 773 00:38:45,217 --> 00:38:47,060 that we can go to the Lord about. 774 00:38:47,984 --> 00:38:51,216 Your GriefShare workbook is a key part 775 00:38:51,217 --> 00:38:52,916 of your healing process. 776 00:38:52,917 --> 00:38:55,016 If you don't have one, be sure 777 00:38:55,017 --> 00:38:57,916 to ask your group leader about how to get one. 778 00:38:57,917 --> 00:39:01,249 That way, you can try to work on this week's daily 779 00:39:01,250 --> 00:39:03,216 From Mourning to Joy exercises. 780 00:39:03,217 --> 00:39:07,783 If you don't have the strength to do them all, it's OK. 781 00:39:07,784 --> 00:39:09,627 Just do what you can. 782 00:39:11,184 --> 00:39:13,116 When Debbie lost her daughter, 783 00:39:13,117 --> 00:39:15,016 she didn't want to go on. 784 00:39:15,017 --> 00:39:18,383 Find out how she found the strength to move forward 785 00:39:18,384 --> 00:39:21,365 in this week's GriefShare workbook exercises. 786 00:39:22,750 --> 00:39:26,083 During the next session of GriefShare, 787 00:39:26,084 --> 00:39:30,216 discover why grief is such a challenging experience. 788 00:39:30,217 --> 00:39:32,849 Shay: It's like a heavy weight on me some days 789 00:39:32,850 --> 00:39:34,882 where I can't even get dressed. 790 00:39:34,883 --> 00:39:36,482 I can't even get out of the bed. 791 00:39:36,483 --> 00:39:41,483 I would do things, enjoyable experiences, work experiences, 792 00:39:42,317 --> 00:39:44,083 but it wasn't quite the same. 793 00:39:44,084 --> 00:39:47,249 Our physical self is affected by grief. 794 00:39:47,250 --> 00:39:52,222 Our behavioral self is affected and also our spiritual. 795 00:39:53,050 --> 00:39:55,316 Thanks again for joining us. 796 00:39:55,317 --> 00:39:58,116 We hope you'll be encouraged by your group discussion. 797 00:39:58,117 --> 00:39:59,187 We' ll see you next time.